I don't really know. I have suffered, and known great pain. I also continually find greater pain to struggle through. But the past sufferings makes me know I can survive it. As a child, I thought that the pain of being a 'mistake', an unwanted baby was the worst way to feel. Yet as time goes by I realize that there are worse ways to feel. A child has no control over their lives; no way of choosing their parents. No way of evading being an outsider in later years when the other children are born...the wanted ones, I mean.
The worst way I have discovered (so far) is when those you choose to love and stand by don't want you. When they call you Damaged Goods, when they mock your past, when they laugh at your pain and Godforbid; beat you. These things hurt more than anything.
Does the pain just escalate in life? Do you just keep finding more things to hurt you as you gain awareness of the world around you? When you attain what you want does it slap you in the face?
Love breeds disappointment, faith does much the same, and hope? Even worse. So simple for a child to wish for a parent's approval. So easy for a teenager to dream of true love. These things can and do fail. What's next? To wish for a child, try your damndest to do right by them, and find out years later that they hated you?
Probably.
It's disconcerting, how easy life can let you down. And there's never anything you yourself can do to stop it.
Study, to acheive excellence in education. Then you fail to get a worthy job.
Sacrifice your sex drive to better your relationship. Then your partner cheats on you.
There's no way to win. Only more randomness. If life is so random, why even try? Why not just wait for the next shoe to fall, the next opportunity to come?
It's the cosmic joke.
Nothing that's worth fighting for is ever easy to keep.
Nothing that comes easy lasts.
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