Reflections

Below you will find a trio of poems born on different days, but are sisters nonetheless.



~White Reflection~

My white reflection burns me
reminding me of innocent days and
starry nights
When I was trusting
when I had faith
Now I am blinded by the fires
of truth
Old dreams come back
to taunt me
and I am lashed by chains of hopelessness
There is no respite
only unending visions
and unfulfilled prophecies
of freedom
and love
as I go plunging through hell;
sorrow incarnate.



~Black Reflection~

I look into the mirror
and see my black reflection
looking back at me
from the corner of her eye
she laughs
Everknowing
all my hurt;
eternal frustration-
and revels in my suffering
For she is
both the knife
and the cut,
the blood
and the pain.
The faithful companion
who understands sorrow
and embraces her;
the shadow-filled light
in the unquiet void
of insanity.



~Incarnation~

There has never been a sunrise
that I did not begrudge the ending
of night-
the darkness beckons me
it sings to me of
freedoms untold in daylight
Where I may dare to have a self
MYself;
I can aspire to be more than a shadow
in this absence of light.
Sunsets forgotten
lead me unto ecstasy
into the NightDawn.
There shall I fly,
Shrouded in white
Armored in black
into being
into seeing
all my reflections
in focus
at last.

Slice of a Dream

I had a strangely disjointed dream today, borne of oversleeping to an unusual 8 hours. Usually I sleep 3 or 4 with no trouble or regrets. My dreams are typically very linear & storylike, generally resuming like a videotape if I should happen to be awoken by the upstairs neighbors' dog (they let it race around in circles all day. From the incredible noise it makes, it must be a golden retriever) or the telephone, which rings regularly from Jeff's bill collector's for his 10-year old student loan. This one...was about living with my mother. I don't dream about her often. I try not to think about what I went through at her hands over the years for the most part, and my dreams respect that by sparing me the nightmares.

This one wasn't a nightmare, however...which surprised me. It was fairly casual, with me as I am now living in an apartment that looked like it was furnished partially by The Bombay Company and Banana Republic. I think she lived with me; I can't think of any other reason she would be there all the time. In the dream, I was fretting over calling out to work at my old job at Borders, where I worked for 5 years under the most evil boss in history. He was egotistical, condescending, and seemed to take pleasure in telling me that no matter how hard I worked as the Office Manager, he would never do more than give me more responsibility. It wasn't only me. During my tenure at the store I observed at least 2 other female managers crouched in offices and backrooms sobbing because of something he'd done or said. More than 5 people, after complaining futilely to upper management transferred out of the store. It was obvious to the rest of the staff why, since they were lateral transfers with no promotions in sight, and no one was moving out of the area. Sad, no?

I was the only one to ever write to the corporate office and talk to a real Human Resources official about him. I logged a complaint, and the manager got written up. Ohhh, it wasn't over there. Now he had it in for me. I began to get written up for even the smallest foible. Things no one had ever been written up for before. While everyone else had an unlimited number of times they were allowed to forget to punch in...I was only allowed once every 2 weeks. If I forgot, as I sometimes did because I was a manager and had to shut the store alarm off and wait by the door to let people in; I'd get written up. If a 10-minute break slipped into 11 minutes, he'd come after me. Etc, etc. I couldn't even transfer out of the store due to a stipulation that one couldn't do so if there were outstanding writeups that were less than 6 months old. I was trapped. The man wanted me fired. Eventually he got his wish.

As for the dream: I paced, trying to remember how many writeups I had, and could I afford to call out again? My mother ignored me, she was planning something for my sisters. Jeff popped up out of nowhere, and as he also worked at Borders (he still does) I asked him his opinion. He couldn't help. I listened to my mind, which for some reason kept spouting at first what I thought was either song lyrics or poetry. I finally realized what it was, and looked to my mother with suspicion. But she was still immured in her project. It was scripture. 1 Corinthians 13:11-12, to be exact. It said:

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

Then I awoke. Strange, no? I'd always liked that chapter in the bible, for what is said about love and faith. It can't really even be called entirely religious, even, since one verse even says that without love, faith means nothing. Funny how dreams are, reminding you of things you thought you'd forgotten. Perhaps my mind knew what my heart needed to remember this time.



1 Corinthians 13

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Iron Rose

An iron rose
found its heartbeat
onceshining petals
rust in a lonely garden.
Needing love;
for water could not
quench her thirst.

Turkey Lurkey

Hrm. Thanksgiving. For me it never really meant much as a holiday, as I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, meaning I didn't celebrate much more than my parent's anniversary (Which kinda sucked once they got divorced). But once upon a time, my family used the day off and the reduced pricing of turkey to get together with each other *gasp* just like normal people. My parents and 2 sisters, my two aunts and uncles and three cousins would all cram into Ampa & Oma's tiny apartment in Van Nuys to partake in a great meal.

Oma had a rather outlandish stuffing which used ground beef that I could never quite get into, and there was always the swimming pool afterwards. I don't remember much more than that, really. I don't think it happened more than a couple of years. My family's like that. My mom and her brothers didn't really get along.

Still, I at least got a feel for the family vibe, which pains me now to recall as I am more than a bit estranged. It's the religion thing.

A few years ago I noticed how many 'orphans' lived in California. You know, the kids that left home to follow their dreams; to make something of themselves. Most of them are quite impoverished, needing one or more roommates to afford an apartment, frantically working several jobs to make ends meet. No way could they afford to fly home for Thanksgiving. As a retail manager, listening to their wistful memories of the holiday at home gave me ideas, and I started to invite people over for Thanksgiving Dinner. I finally had a family..sort of hehe. Being appreciated for my cooking skills on this day gives me a chance to step back and appreciate things in general. Thanksgiving is all about appreciativeness, isn't it? I am thankful Oma taught me how to cook using more than just recipes. I am thankful I have a home. I am thankful I have Jeff. *gasps again*

More than anything I am thankful for the true love I found, at long last. He makes all the song lyrics I ever thought were sappy, all the tales of unconditional love....true. He is with his family today, and while I admit I cried a little out of loneliness for not having one of my own to share the day with, he reminded me that someday his family would be mine too. Look, another thing to be thankful for.



Oh, and for posterity, here's tonight's menu:


Turkey Breast with Sausage-Apricot Stuffing

3 pounds pork sausage, maple flavored
8 cups dried bread crumbs, *see Note
4 cups pecan halves
2 cups chopped dried apricots
1 cup Butter, melted
1 1/3 cups chicken broth
8 stalks celery (1 cup) sliced 1/2-inch
4 medium onion (1/2 cup) chopped
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon dried sage leaves, crushed
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 turkey breast, Bone-in (9 to 12-pound)
12 tablespoons Butter, melted

1. Heat oven to 350°F. Brown sausage in 10-inch skillet over medium heat; drain off fat.

2. Stir together browned sausage and all remaining ingredients except turkey breast and 3 tablespoons butter in large bowl. Gently loosen skin from turkey in neck area to make large area to stuff. Stuff with sausage mixture; secure skin flap with toothpicks.

3. Place remaining sausage mixture in 1-quart covered casserole; refrigerate. During last 30 minutes of turkey breast baking time, bake remaining stuffing for 25 to 30 minutes or until heated through. Place stuffed turkey breast, breast-side up, on rack in roasting pan. Brush with 3 tablespoons melted butter.

4. Bake, basting occasionally, for 2 to 2 1/2 hours or until meat thermometer reaches 170 to 175°F and turkey breast is no longer pink. Let stand 10 minutes.

Note: I usually make my Maple Pecan Corn Bread a day in advance instead of plain dry crumbs.

Maple-Pecan Cornbread With Maple Butter

Corn Bread
2 cups cornmeal
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
6 tablespoons butter, softened
4 tablespoons firmly packed brown sugar
6 eggs
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
2/3 cup maple syrup
2 teaspoons maple flavoring
1 1/2 cups chopped pecans, toasted
Maple Butter
1 cup butter
2 tablespoons maple syrup
2 teaspoons maple flavoring

1. Heat oven to 350°F. In small mixer bowl combine cornmeal, flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda. In large mixer bowl combine 3 tablespoons butter, brown sugar and eggs. Beat at medium speed until well mixed (1-2 minutes). Add buttermilk, 1/3 cup maple syrup and 1 teaspoon maple flavoring. Continue beating until well mixed (2-3 minutes). Reduce speed to low; add flour mixture. Continue beating, scraping bowl often, until well mixed (1-2 minutes), By hand, stir in pecans. Spoon into greased 13-inch square baking pan. Bake for 25-30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. (Corn bread may dip slightly in center.)

2. Meanwhile, in small mixer bowl combine all maple butter ingredients. Beat at medium speed until fluffy (2-3 minutes). Serve with warm corn bread.

Note: I doubled this recipe to use approx half of the bread for the stuffing.


Sweet Potatoes with Apples

8 medium sweet potatoes, or yams
1/2 cup Butter, softened
1/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon grated orange peel
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 medium Granny Smith apples (2 cups) peeled,cored, coarsely chopped

1. Heat oven to 350°F. Prick sweet potatoes with fork to allow steam to escape. Bake for 55 to 65 minutes or until folk tender.

2. Cut thin, lengthwise slice from top of each sweet potato; scoop out inside, leaving thin shell. Place shells on 15x10x1-inch jelly-roll pan; set aside.

3. Place hot sweet potato and all remaining ingredients except apple in large mixer bowl. Beat at medium speed, scraping bowl often, until well mixed and no lumps remain (2 to 3 minutes). Stir in apples by hand. Fill reserved shells with sweet potato mixture. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes or until heated through.

Velvet Mashed Potatoes

12 medium boiling potatoes (4 lbs) peeled, and cut into large pieces
3/4 cup milk (to 1 cup)
1/2 package cream cheese (8 oz) cut into cubes, and softened
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

1. Heat 1 inch water (salted if desired) to boiling in Dutch oven. Add potatoes. Cover and heat to boiling; reduce heat. Cook 30 to 35 minutes or until tender; drain. Shake pan with potatoes over low heat to dry.

2. Mash potatoes in large bowl until no lumps remain. Beat in milk in small amounts, beating after each addition (amount of milk needed to make potatoes smooth and fluffy depends on kind of potatoes used). Add cream cheese, margarine, salt and pepper. Beat vigorously until potatoes are light and fluffy.


Deep Dish Almond Pumpkin Pie

1 pie shell, deep dish
Almond Layer
1 cup almonds, finely chopped
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
3 tablespoons butter, softened
2 teaspoons flour
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
Pumpkin Filling
1 1/4 cups granulated brown sugar
3 ounces cream cheese, softened
2 eggs
1 1/4 cups pumpkin, canned or cooked
1/2 cup evaporated milk
1/3 cup sour cream
1 tablespoon molasses
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon almond extract
Decorations
1 egg white, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon water
whole almonds, optional

1. Preheat oven to 425ºF. For crust, reserve a small amount of pastry for decorative cutouts for top of finished pie.

2. Almond Layer:
Combine almonds, brown sugar, butter, flour and almond extract; toss with for until well blended. Spoon into unbaked pie shell. Press firmly on bottom and partway up side of crust. Refrigerate.

3. Filling:
Cream sugar and cream cheese in large bowl. Beat in eggs, milk, sour cream and molasses at low speed of electric mixer. Add cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, ginger, cloves and almond extract; beat 1 minute. Spoon over almond layer.

4. Bake 15 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350Fº; bake for 50-60 minutes. Cover edge of crust with foil, if necessary, to prevent overbrowning. Cool to room temperature.

5. Increase oven temperature to 400ºF. Line baking sheet with foil.

6. For decorations, roll out reserved pastry and cut out desired shapes. Place on baking sheet Combine egg white and water; brush over pastry cutouts. Garnish each with an almond. Bake 5-7 minutes or until golden brown. Cool. Arrange on cooled pie.

Memories

6 years ago, there was a chatroom I roleplayed in. It was a place of laughter, friendship, and even love. The people the built the place; myself, as an elf, Bella, as a vampiress, and a few others...never expected it to grow as it did: From a homely inn at a small corner of cyberspace into a manor house that all that sought entrance were welcome with open arms and minds.

We were happy. I evolved into a character borne of an old nickname, a succubus with a tale of mystery and woe, and found my first true love...an angel with wings of iron. The love bled into reality, and though it was doomed to fail, it brought me into a self that I didn't know existed. Until that point I didn't know I could be loved for my creativity; had no idea that I had the power to attract someone by the sheer force of my imagination.

And it was good.

The lyrics of the above video suit that chatroom well, as it died rather violently when a greedy group of ignorant children stormed the place and frightened the majority of its denizens away. I always imagined the place left as a little more than a blasted shell, with tables and chairs strewn about, the bar left standing, singed and maimed with bits of glass everywhere. All our little treasures, all the things we held dear...gone except for a few items that would not be broken because they could not be broken. We had given them power, you see. That power will sustain them as long as we remember.

Some of us players still linger in the wings, keeping touch with each other in the only way we can, through instant messagers and a little community site, Mirtanna Manor. Nothing seems to work, for no one is the same anymore. We can't get into the Play anymore. It's sad and hard, feeling those little aches borne of missing the days of long ago. It's like all our little tales are locked away in a chest, and only time has the key. Would that I could take hold of the past and force it to give us that key again.

"All of my memories keep you near
In silent moments imagine you'd be here
All of my memories keep you near
Your silent whispers, silent tears

All of my memories..."

~Within Temptation

IQ Madness

So I took this online IQ test today, and found out that I have no patience with tests at all anymore *laughs* The funny thing is, when I first saw the thing, I just clicked on answers based on my gut feelings the first time without putting much thought into it at all...just read and clicked and boom, I ended up with a higher IQ than I did when I really took the test. *grin* I don't think these tests are a good judge of intelligence. But here is mine:

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Below Average Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

I suppose most of the summary is true, since I despise math in nearly all its form except cooking. As for the logic, I thought I was a fairly logical person haha. The verbal intelligence? Self-evident to me, I've been called a grammar Nazi by a couple of people to date, and I write pretty consistently.

Unlike most of the general populace I regularly come into contact with the more unused facets of language through my studies of the ancient world, mythology, and by simply being an avid reader. Not to say that there aren't plenty of readers out there, but I've noticed that while they do come into contact with the same words I do, such as "loquacious", "cacophony", and "disaggregate", they fail to do more than to glean what they need from context and speed ahead. Now, I'm not saying that's wrong...I do the same thing myself when reading a particularly toothsome tale...but it's simply part of my nature to research things. I just file the word away for later. Why? Well, it would seriously peeve me while spinning a story to lack a word, and just know there's one out there to suit my needs.

It's not just that. It has been bugging me for the past couple of years, as I've been playing MMORPGs that even more people are ignoring the true meaning of words and replacing them with gamer definitions! Let me explain: In video games, a "tank" is a character created with the primary responsibility to absorb and take damage dealt by the adversary so that other group members don'’t have to. Ok. So last week, when I asked someone I'd met in-game how their job interview went (yes, gamers do talk about real-life events in-game), they said they tanked it. Tanked? Naturally my mind goes to the dictionary definition:

tank
Function: verb
transitive verb
1 : to place, store, or treat in a tank
2 : to make no effort to win : lose intentionally <tanked the match>
intransitive verb
1 : to lose intentionally : give up in competition
2 : to suffer rapid decline, failure, or collapse tanked>

So...I consoled him.
Of course he'd meant he'd faced the interview down and came out victorious. *grin* So I ended up rather embarrassedly congratulating him. But- really. Upon further clarification to him on why the miscommunication occurred I was amazed that he had no clue what I was talking about. He'd thought that the term was invented for video games!
His age? 33.

This is much worse than thinking that the world "melee" (a confused struggle; a hand-to-hand fight among several people) is pronounced "mee·lee" instead of the correct form "mê·lée" ('mA-"lA, mA-'). I mean, how many people use that word in a common sense. Unless you happen to work at Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament hehe.

Well, that was my little rant. Now you can poke at me for not knowing what a prime number is still. I knew that one, I did! My mind just wouldn't keep it. It said, "HA! Numbers! Not for you!", and promptly forgot it for me.

/sigh

'Round the World

Your Travel Profile:

You Are Extremely Well Traveled in the Southern United States (85%) You Are Very Well Traveled in Canada (80%) You Are Well Traveled in the Western United States (53%) You Are Somewhat Well Traveled in the United Kingdom (38%) You Are Somewhat Well Traveled in the Midwestern United States (25%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Eastern Europe (20%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Latin America (20%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in the Northeastern United States (14%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Asia (8%) You Are Mostly Untraveled in Western Europe (7%) You Are Untraveled in Africa (0%) You Are Untraveled in Australia (0%) You Are Untraveled in New Zealand (0%) You Are Untraveled in Scandinavia (0%) You Are Untraveled in Southern Europe (0%) You Are Untraveled in the Middle East (0%)

How Well Traveled Are You?

I like to travel. I collect traveling experiences like..er. Well, I collect everything; I'm a bit of a packrat. I've been to Canada, Europe, South America, and Japan...in that order. Not a lot of my travels have been in the us, but I'm working on it!

I remember the oddest things, too. A raggedy little kitten following me through the snowy paths of Hokkaido, mewling at me until I let it sniff my freezing fingertips...looking all over Asunción (Paraguay's Capitol) for a particular kind of chocolate my grandmother had loved as a girl..my aunt Sally's furrowed brow as she hunched over in her wedding dress to unwrap a candy a very intent little girl (me) wanted to try. The last was in Canada at her & my Uncle Gerald's wedding. She passed away this year of Cancer. It's odd how the small memory of a child surmounts all the others I had of her while growing up. To me, these are the treasures of life. The small things unique and intrinsic to us and only us. My grandmother, who I called Oma, also passed away. Year before last I believe. She very much loved to reminisce as I do. Not about the large acts of life, but about the little ones. When I lived with her and my grandfather (I called him Ampa, because for some reason the German 'Opa' never crossed my lips), I would listen to her speak many times about them. Such relish she had for them! And now as an adult, with my own large & small acts of life behind and still before me I begin to understand.

Here are some memories:

Japan '04


California '05



"Not all those who wander are lost." -- J.R.R. Tolkien

Broken In

Tell me how to be-
I can change.


Tell me what to do-
I can stop.


What I was
Is not what I am


What I know
Is not what I feel


You make me run
Then force me to stand


You make me grow
Then shut out the sun


I am-
A moth without a flame,
An ocean without a moon.


I watch without seeing,
I hear without listening


And blindly observe
The loss of my spirit...


I


A universe without stars.

BattleHunger

Magnetic poetry.

The warrior waits
restless for action
Unmoving,
wildness tamed.

Denial and power
Passion and pride
Fortify the spirit-
sharpen the hunger.

Mouth dry,
Watching.

Gaze cold,
Listening.

The dark song of War
Descends
like a shroud
like a raven

Like her rage.

She rises fluidly
Racing towards destruction,

A nightmare in motion.

Skin soft,
Bone hard,

Heart afire.

The Pros & Cons of Living with THE EX

Pro: He knows your wardrobe, and buys you just the right shirt for Xmas.
Con: He knows just why you're wearing those pants to 'Hang out with a couple friends'.

Pro: He loves your cooking.
Con: He loves your cooking.

Pro: He buys all the household necessities to show you he's 'more responsible now'.
Con: He doesn't use them. He already did his part, remember?

Pro: He knows what you like.
Con: He'll do exactly the opposite.

I could go on, but why? I'm sure you get the point. Truth be told, it really isn't so bad. Just frustrating at times. Like, why o why does he wait until the bowl he used to make the mac & cheese has been on the stove for 3 days, leaving globs of psuedocheese to congeal until you have to use a sledgehammer and a screwdriver to clean it? He does have a reason.

Jeff: It had to soak.
Me: In what? Air?

Aie. Then there's the milk situation. Ok, so he buys milk for the singular purpose that he has also bought cookies. (This I have no objection to, even though we both know that he is allergic to milk. His reasoning is that he doesn't know how allergic, so it's ok to push the bar) Cookies get et. Milk goes bad because....? You guessed it. He's allergic.

/facepalm

It doesn't stop there. The milk he leaves in there for 3 days past the expiry. I tell him, "Jeff, throw your milk away, it's gone bad."
Jeff: Ok.
*nothing happens for another day or so*
Me: Jeff. The milk?
Jeff: It'll only go worse if I take it from the fridge now.
Me: What d'you mean worse? Throw it down the sink! *twitch*
Jeff: Ok. *continues playing on his computer*

At this point, I am thinking I should just do it on my own. But no. This happens a lot. Sometimes, you have to stop doing things for someone or they'll never do anything of thier own volition.

So, the next morning I find the milk container next to the sink. I sigh, a bit in relief, and a bit in annoyance that he couldn't manage to walk the 2 feet to the trashcan to put the empty container inside.
*picks up container*

There's still milk in it. Well, I don't know if you can actually call it milk anymore. It's more like....ugh, never mind. Holding my breath I threw it down the sink, accompanied by copious amounts of water & dishwashing liquid, which is lemony fresh and completely fails in covering the stench *sigh*. When he wakes up I tell him of my Milky Kitchen Adventure and he grunts, "I told you so...it went worse."

/stare.

To be fair, he does do all the shopping, and has only been late once in paying his part of a bill. Not bad for 6 years, 3 of which we actually dated. There is a good deal of trust involved; he has never lied to me, and I have been able to go on extended trips where I was completely confident that everything would be taken care of. Sure, we've had our hard times, when he was slammed in the head with a metal ladder at Fatburger 4 years ago, where he worked as a shift lead. He couldn't work for over a year and I supported him financially with only his tiny workman's comp check to bolster things. Things were stressfull then, and all the money issues severely wore at the shards of our already fracturing relationship. When it did end...sorta, there were enough pieces to pick up to decide (repeatedly) that we were going to try again. And again, and again. It was convenient to keep living together, so we did...and we knew there was always going to be that other person there that still cared enough about the other to listen.

So he's still here, still with me...and it's a bit of a drag sometimes, especially when I was trying to date other people and bring them around to the apartment ("Oh hey, this is my ex, heh heh. He'll just be in the other room all evening..."). Now, with me currently in a long-distance relationship I think he's in denial. It makes both of us sad. We'd both discussed long ago the possiblity of niether of us finding 'the one' and just spending our days together, but we'd never thought what would happen if one of us did and one didn't. Upon one of my attempts to address the matter Jeff said he'd leave and never see me again. Even though he'd want me to be happy he couldn't be happy for me. I understand that, I guess. I'm jealous by nature too.

But I do want to see him happy. In spite of his foibles and infantile issues, he is a person I care for very much and my boyfriend understands this too. Hell, he even told me Jeff would be welcome to live with us someday. Well, no way would I let that happen, but I thought it was a nice gesture. I will miss him in my life and I suspect he'll never know how much, but I have to look towards the future and let go of the past and even the present to see it through.

Jeff will be fine. If I don't show him that I have faith in him, how can he have faith in himself? If he doesn't want any contact after the parting, I will have to believe and trust that it is the right thing to do because he... does.

A Celtic Invocation

that was an ancient Celtic invocation I took to heart many years ago as a youth, when I was lost in the maelstrom of my parent's divorce..when things were tough and I had to be tougher. I'd always been inclined to read, as an escape sometimes, as an outlet others; Fantasy more often than not. Books had been my friends since the ripe old age of 3, when my mother allegedly stuck a giant omnibus of fairy tales in my hands to keep me from yammering away at her. (I had been quite the talker. It was a favorite saying in the family that I didn't have a first word, I had a first paragraph)

Anyway. *pulls on reins*
I read the invocation (though I didn't know that's what it was) for the first time when I was 13 in a book by Madeline L'Engle called "A Wrinkle in Time". The words were a little different, but the content the same. It gave me strength in a time of great confusion. I find these same words later during some research in my studies of ancient mythos, and wham. There is was. It is actually called "Patrick's Rune." It calls upon all the elements to preserve the invoker, and is a powerful act of magic when done with intent. What I find amusing now as an adult is that that book, at the time was forbidden to me as many fantasy books were. My mother felt strongly about "Paganism" in fantasy, and felt that reading Fantasy/Science Fiction novels would corrupt my eternal soul. Well then, I guess she was right. Here I thought I was reading a book about a girl like me, trying to find her place in the world, and THE DEVIL was in it. *grin* Sorry, couldn't say that with a straight face. For what I believe...is that whoever I was meant to be, and whoever I am now...was formed in the spirit of those books that I read. Not for the magic, but for the sacrifices of the heroes, the kindness and cruelties of the princesses, and the loyalty of true friendship. I am not saying that I succeeded in all (or even any) of my goals. In fact, I have made innumerable mistakes. And in all my life I have only had 2 true friends. One, was always there for me. One; always will be. The latter is also my lover, and my champion.

More about him another day...